Posts Tagged ‘jealous’

Pulsating Fireball

Posted: August 31, 2009 in my life
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“You know, she’s the most brilliant student I have ever taught. She’s ¬†ahead of everyone in the class.” said the 6th grade math teacher.

And it made me burn inside that it wasn’t me but Her. If I beamed at Her after that, then it was only concealed malice. And when She threw her head back and laughed her full bellied, eyes scrunched, teeth bared, red cheeks laughter at one of my jokes it made me glow inside that I’de finally made the smartest person in class laugh at one of my jokes. There, the joy was mine. And it surprised me every time she cracked up that I was the one making her do that. The laughter hers, the joy mine.

And it was in her friendship that I found what it meant to be so jealous it made my insides ache with a molten fury and yet what it meant to have a friend who you could have plain fun with. The balance so tight. Only for me. She probably never guessed that I wanted to get the top grades, that I wanted the prizes and awards and certificates and medals that made her so shiny.

The self realization has come now. I know my basic nature now. I have always been a deeply jealous person..a jealousy directed at anyone that does better than me, so deep it makes me feel I have a pulsating fireball inside. And when not directed outwards, directed inwards releasing a kind of supressed energy that drags me down…guilt for my jealousy.

But those were the early days and I was jealous of not just the smartest person in class, but also the one person who would spend hours with me on the phone, the one person with who I’d share all those books we’d read and all those movies we’d watched, crushing together and then despising together.

Neha is gone now. Dead. I say her name now, out loud, not because there’s no person who’s privacy to protect but because my mind refuses to let go of the only label it has to all those memories I hold of those days. And that her name has now, in my mind, become synonymous with learning and self-realization and… perhaps, self-forgivness?

I still miss you, Neha.

My best friend from 6th grade.