Posts Tagged ‘sad’

Pulsating Fireball

Posted: August 31, 2009 in my life
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“You know, she’s the most brilliant student I have ever taught. She’s ¬†ahead of everyone in the class.” said the 6th grade math teacher.

And it made me burn inside that it wasn’t me but Her. If I beamed at Her after that, then it was only concealed malice. And when She threw her head back and laughed her full bellied, eyes scrunched, teeth bared, red cheeks laughter at one of my jokes it made me glow inside that I’de finally made the smartest person in class laugh at one of my jokes. There, the joy was mine. And it surprised me every time she cracked up that I was the one making her do that. The laughter hers, the joy mine.

And it was in her friendship that I found what it meant to be so jealous it made my insides ache with a molten fury and yet what it meant to have a friend who you could have plain fun with. The balance so tight. Only for me. She probably never guessed that I wanted to get the top grades, that I wanted the prizes and awards and certificates and medals that made her so shiny.

The self realization has come now. I know my basic nature now. I have always been a deeply jealous person..a jealousy directed at anyone that does better than me, so deep it makes me feel I have a pulsating fireball inside. And when not directed outwards, directed inwards releasing a kind of supressed energy that drags me down…guilt for my jealousy.

But those were the early days and I was jealous of not just the smartest person in class, but also the one person who would spend hours with me on the phone, the one person with who I’d share all those books we’d read and all those movies we’d watched, crushing together and then despising together.

Neha is gone now. Dead. I say her name now, out loud, not because there’s no person who’s privacy to protect but because my mind refuses to let go of the only label it has to all those memories I hold of those days. And that her name has now, in my mind, become synonymous with learning and self-realization and… perhaps, self-forgivness?

I still miss you, Neha.

My best friend from 6th grade.

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My cousin Naher is in the fifth grade, has huge eyes, a nasal twang to his voice and in general is cuter than all the kids his age I know (cos all the other kids have irritating nasal voices…I mean, there’s that fine line you walk in nasal voices; so easy to go wrong)…
So anyway, the cutest ever Naher was on his annual vacation and pretty much thought life was doing the square thing by him and was not being overly complicated which was ok till he got ill with…yes, it’s true…swine flu…
Swine Flu

here’s to you Naher..here’s hoping that your vacation isn’t wasted on fever and coughing and a runny nose that makes you fall off that fine line in quality voices….

AND here’s a poem to make you laugh:

Hello, hello
is anybody on the line?
hello, hello
are you really the swine?

Coughity cough
do you know what you’ve done?
Coughity cough
you’ve had me blowing my nose and scratching my bum

All day, all night
the fever’s by my side,
from dawn to dusk
Tamiflu’s been the diet

But now I have a secret to tell
would you really mind that, Mr. Swine?
even though, personally, you and me don’t gel so well
your flu tops any list of “how to make mommy not worry about homework and whine”!!!

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and Naher has secretly been my second most favorite kid cousin of the lot…

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PS: he’s better now… so yay…and all along it wasn’t even swine flu…so phew

Weddings…

Posted: May 4, 2009 in my life
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Ok, so I have a huge horde of cousins. AND they have this unfortunate coincidence thing going on with my exams… the dates just HAVE to clash with my exam schedule (ok that happened only with 2 cousins but it feels like there’s a curse on me)weddings

Anyway, so the headline for this post is pretty accurate in that i have had a wedding to deal with this weekend, AND it coincided with my exam schedule AND i had the best time ever. She’s all amarried now and the house looks like it’s got a hole simply from missing her.

Salt, anyone?

Posted: February 9, 2009 in my life
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The results are out and i’m so depressed…suffering from post-result trauma..i’m having a bad taste in my mouth almost constantly now and i’m wondering if there’s a good, profitable use I can put that fact to. I’m snapping and generally just being a mean i-don’t-give-a-damn kinda person when it’s all i really care about.¬†

where is my good ol’ (well, really ol’) self?

lost my cell phone!!! :(

Posted: September 28, 2008 in my life
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i’m so lost today…i feel like i’ve lost a limb today, no cell phone! the other day, when my friend told me that she lost her cell phone, i fully consoled her and said all the sad things that you’re supposed to say but an evil thought formed itself in my mind “i don’t relly feel like consoling her….well, thank god it isn’t mine”… god has weird ways of teaching people a lesson… i’ve learnt mine… sorry god…i now fully know the dhard-e-dil of losing ones cell phone…